This blog will be the death of me

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I love to write. I do. I have lots of ideas and thoughts and hopes and dreams and just random things in my head that never actually leave my head except due to overcrowding because I never get around to doing anything other than thinking them and once in a while finding someone to have a really good conversation about them with.

I think I can honestly say that overall I'm pretty good about achieving goals I set out before me. When I was a sophomore in high school I can specifically remember my goal was to go to college to become a social worker. I had some learning difficulties in high school and had a few nay-sayers however despite that barrier in 2000 I graduated high school and was on my way to college to study social work. My updated goal then became to graduate from college and get a job in the social work field. I didn’t want just any job; I wanted a job in the trenches! During all four years of college I stayed on a steady path working toward this goal, even after being told numerous times that the pay is poor and the job is thankless. As much fun as college was I kept my eye on the prize and focused hard on getting good grades and graduating as well as getting involved in the community as much as possible. In 2004 I met that goal and graduated from the University of Northern Iowa with a Bachelor’s degree in Social Work. After graduation I was so glad to be done with school and FINALLY start working. I definitely did my time in the trenches when I was green but guess what, seven years later I am STILL happily working in the social work field-low pay, thankless, and all!

In 2008, I got this crazy idea that I wanted to go to graduate school. This was a difficult goal to make attainable because I knew I had to continue to work full-time while doing so. But I applied anyway, and after two grueling years of working full-time, studying, attending classes, and completing a 500+ hour internship…(oh and did I mention getting pregnant and having a baby during that time as well?) in May 2010 I graduated with a Master’s Degree in Social Work. After graduating I wanted to work as a therapist and in order to do that I had to be licensed by the state of Iowa…so now in January of 2012 I am a licensed MSW and working in therapy. See what I’m getting at here? I set goals and dig my heels in and achieve them. I'm not afraid of hard work and I have been mostly successful with meeting my goals I feel that I am pretty good, overall, at setting achievable goals…which is why my inability to keep an updated blog is so annoying! It’s a totally achievable goal and there really is nothing holding me back except myself and the excuses in my head. That's why this blog will be the death of me.

Let’s talk about this more. I've had this blog account since 2007. I've tried to do a few things with it here and there but never really kept up with it. Truthfully I can't even promise I'll keep up with it this time. BUT I WANT TO! I think it's just something I have to work through on my own-my love to write vs my default to procrastination. Sigh. I would like to do something a little more "professional" with this blog and maybe a little more "social work-y" because, you know, I don’t’ get enough of that during the day. I’m still a little green about some topics, particularly in therapy/behavioral modification but this is where my interest is and I am hoping where the next chapter in my life will lead. One thing I know about myself is that writing really helps me process things, so in the end it will probably help me become more effective at a career/passion that I have had and worked vigorously toward over the last 12 years of my life!

So that should do it, right? That should inspire me to keep this blog updated because I have spent 12 years of my life working toward a professional goal and so why not use a blog as an outlet for my knowledge (or lack there of?). Well, here’s the other issue that holds me back-I'm a bit of a perfectionist. Particularly when it comes to this type of stuff.
Case-in-point #1: I just re-wrote that last paragraph at least 4 times.
Case-in-point #2: It has taken me almost 2 years to complete a simple shutterfly.com picture book for my son. All I have to do is combine all of his pictures in a book from age 0-1. I completed that before his first birthday and ordered it, but when I got it I didn’t like it and so now for the last year I’ve been working on re-doing it. In fact a friend and I recently got together one afternoon at Panera Bread and utilized their Wi-Fi to work on our picture books. The idea was that it'd be a fun time to get together and have no distractions to get these books completed. At the end of the afternoon she had almost finished hers and I had completed only one and one half pages. I just want so badly for the book to be high quality, that's all. I get overwhelmed! I just can't make up my mind about things; I'd put one picture in there and then decide I'd want a different picture. I'd add a new background/layout to a page and then go back and change the background/layouts of all the other pages to make it match that one.Yea, so now in less than two months he will turn two which means that once I finish ages 0-1 and I will have to immediately start and finish ages 1-2. That’s a lot of pressure. Currently I am only at about month 6 but have recently gone back and added more pages of pictures from when we first brought him home. I'll be lucky, at this rate, to even get one done before he graduates from high school! See what I’m dealing with here?

I have a passion for quality, but it gets in my way of finishing things. I remember my roommate in college would get so worked up about having to write a paper for class that she would sit for days in our dorm room contemplating what she should write about, often by the time the deadline came along she would not even have a paragraph and then she would sit in our room for several more days stressing even more about it. I can remember at least two papers that she never did turn in, and possibly never even started. It made me stressed just watching this happen and I remember telling her to “just get started” or "just write something". But now I know exactly how she feels. Perhaps I need to just take my own advice…although getting started is not the problem, making up my mind in order to complete it is!

So there. Now you know my truths, my deeps dark hidden secrets, the skeletons in my closet. Truly they may not seem very scary to you but to me, well…they’re more annoying than scary. Do you ever just annoy yourself and then get even more annoyed that you can’t get away from yourself? Yea, that seems to be a pretty much daily experience for me! Ha! So stay tuned and we’ll see if I’m any more successful with this blogging thing this time than in I have been in the past.