"If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." Matthew 17:20
Anyone can be crafty, right?? Mmmm, I'm not convinced. Crafts, particularly sewing actually runs on both sides of my family! My mom sews, my grandma enjoyed sewing, I have many aunts who like to sew...so I should be a natural. I think that is what is so frustrating! For Christmas I asked my mom for a sewing machine, nothing fancy just something simple. I even suggested she get one of those little ones located in the girls area of the toy section. My mom went on a hunt and found me the simplest (adult) sewing machine out there. I've mastered the whole threading, winding the bobbin, etc. So after mastering that I was ready for my first project. I went to trusty old Pinterest.com to see what I could find. I came across a website called http://www.prudentbaby.com/ they had a list of all the things a "beginner" sewer needs and then this really neat and so-called "easy" project to try. The pin cushion/thread holder, even as I type it I can fee my body tense up with frustration. You can find a step-by-step guide to the project here: http://www.merrimentdesign.com/pincushion-thread-catcher.php.
The first night went well and I completed the pin cushion and two straps:
Night #2, completed the bag:
Night 3 is where it all went wrong!!! I was trying to sew the lining into the bag and I ended up with a horrendous mess which I then tried to fix by hand-sewing which also didn't work....oh the horror.
So I got some different fabric and I'm going to start fresh...Wish me luck!
I'm a girl I feel like I get it, I know first hand that being a girl is tough and so does any girl reading this. I definitely went through the whole "I'm uncomfortable with who I am" stage, and still have the emotional bumps and bruises to show for it! Through my life I have yet to meet a female (young, old, or anywhere in between) who does not or has not, struggled with body image in some way. I think for some it's just in the back of their mind somewhere and for others it is extremely anxiety-provoking to the point where it affects their every day life. I believe, because I've experienced the concious mindfulness that goes in to working to overcoming this unrest and without a healthy environment in order to learn how to do so, many never find the peace that comes from just liking themselves for who they are. The worst part is that girls who never find that peace with themselves grow up to be women who don't have peace and these women become mothers, friends, aunts, cousins, teachers (etc.) that then pass the struggle, whether consciously or not, to the young girls in their lives..and another generation of the vicious cycle of self-loathing continues. It is important for girls to have a healthy foundation to start out with in the world, in order for that to happen the influential women in their very early life need to have peace with themselves so they can pass that peace on. It is also important for young girls to have access to positive adult role models from outside of their families and also a positive peer group. Lastly girls who have already started down, are in the middle of, or have grown up but never gotten off the path of self-loathing need a positive environment, healthy support system and "game plan" to jump on to the path of self-respect.
I give credit to my parents for giving me a strong foundation. Home was my safe haven, I knew that no matter what happened in school or in the community, no matter who didn't like me or what went on during the day I could be myself at home and my family loved me. I am very lucky to have had that. There was not an emphasis on looks, I didn't see my mom crash dieting or looking in the mirror at herself and saying negative things. We never dieted together and if she did have poor body image, I was completely unaware of it. I knew that to my dad I was his little girl and it didn't matter what I looked like. He would often say things to me like "I like it better when women don't wear makeup" or "who cares what that girl thinks of you, you know better than to think that's true". Dorky, I know, and I remember telling him that at the time. But the truth is that was my rock, home was my shield. Strangely even my brothers and I didn't emphasize looks. They never told me I was ugly or fat or have any nicknames for me that would later haunt me. Truthly we were probably too busy fighting over who was next to play Nintendo or why my brother didn't tell me there was a Jam and the Rockers marathon on TV. Regardless, when I was at home nothing could get to me because my parents took care of my emotional needs and because of that my foundation was built on rocks rather than sand.
Unfortunately for them, and for me, I then entered middle school. Now I'm like 99.5% sure that middle school for a girl in the 90's would have been a breeze compared to the things that girls experience in middle school now. But the message is the same, and the pain is the same. That message is that if you are not pretty, skinny, sporty, outgoing, and/or (fill in the blank) you are nothing, you do not matter. If you do not conform to society's idea of what a girl should look, act, and be like then you are weird and different. As far back as I can remember there is nothing worse in middle school than to be thought of as wierd, different, and/or worthless. I think for the most part I flew pretty far under the bully radar for most of middle school but I do remember a couple of "mean girls" who to this day I have no respect for. Though I flew under the radar as a target for bullies, I caught on quickly to the "girl" culture of what I "should" look like and how I "should" act. And just like every other girl that struggles, I didn't think I looked or acted the way I should and spent many years reaching for a goal I could never obtain.
I remember the summer that I started jogging. I am not a very patient person, I need results quickly and I was the same way back then. I laugh now, because I remember I had these ankle weights that I would velcro onto my ankles and then jog/walk a pretty short distance; I would come home feeling pretty defeated because I walked more than I ran. (Huh, I wonder why). I also clearly remember how much easier jogging was when I stopped wearing those! This was the summer that I decided I was going to give up anything that might make me "fat" which was apparently just about everything. I ate cereal, yogurt, granola, and toast when I was hungry and drank only water. All those years of good metabolism wasted!! I remember that it was the middle of my junior year in high school when one of my teachers noticed I had lost some weight and told me how "good" I looked. That fueled the fire, I must be doing something right! Although I would hear these things from others everytime I looked in the mirror I didn't see any change, only flaws. My struggles continued and probably amplified in college. The cool thing was that when I got to college I could work out in a gym so on top of jogging, which I was actually pretty good at by then, I would hit the gym daily sometimes twice a day. Instead of gaining freshman 15, I'm pretty sure I lost at least 15 if not more! The madness continues into young adulthood. By the time I graduated from college I was training to participate in different types of activites, mainly 5k's and this crazy 4 hour adventure race in Maquoketa that included canoeing, running, and biking and then an 8 hour race in Des Moines that was similar to the one in Maquoketa. I think the height of my madness was preparing for my wedding, I would literally go to the gym before work and then again after. It was crazy and I was crazy fit...even though I still didn't think so. After getting married, life settled in and I started to realize that I had better things to do then work out all the time and also that I really liked food!! I almost feel like I "burnt out" from going to the gym which was good because it made me struggle with my negatives thoughts until I could finally overcome them.
Overcoming those thoughts doesn't mean I never have them. It doesn't mean that I still don't have my weak moments and sore spots. Overcoming those thoughts is a concious decision I make every day to like who I am regardless of how I look and/or how much I weigh. Concious thinking is making a point to remember that I have a beautful family, a full-time job, a part-time job, and too many interests to pursue than to waste my time thinking about my body. Concious thinking also includes eating healthy as often as possible but healthy living can now be described more accurately now as discipline rather than punishment.
Where I have come out of all of this turmoil is a woman who is happy with who she is and who can be happy for others. I also have a lot of compassion for girls who are entering the phase in their life where they come to the proverbial fork in the road with a choice to either take the road that leads them to self confidence or the road to society's perfection that is long, difficult, un-necessary and the outcome is unknown. I truly believe that girls need strong role models to help them make the right choice, to push them in the direction of the road to self confidence. Parents are absolutely necessary for planting the seed for a strong foundation but all the responsibility cannot be on them. Young girls need strong role models that reach out to them and their peers not to preach to them but just to walk along side them guiding them in the direction of self-confidence, self-esteem, and ultimately true happiness.
This program has statistical validity of it's success to reach girls and build self-esteem. The founder, Molly Barker, is passionate and has a story of her own to tell and a powerful, successful program that was bred from her own turmoil. When girls are lead in the right direction, these are the outcomes that they can create for themselves and when they do this the cycle of poor self-esteem is broken. To look at the issue as a whole is overwhelming but to think about reaching only one person is empowering. What if the one girl you reach grows up to be someone like Molly Barker who in turn creates a program that reaches hundreds of thousands of girls in over 173 cities in North America and grows bigger and bigger every year? Was it worth your time?
If you are interested in helping bring this program to Linn County/Cedar Rapids, please email me at vwieben@gmail.com
I love to write. I do. I have lots of ideas and thoughts and hopes and dreams and just random things in my head that never actually leave my head except due to overcrowding because I never get around to doing anything other than thinking them and once in a while finding someone to have a really good conversation about them with.
I think I can honestly say that overall I'm pretty good about achieving goals I set out before me. When I was a sophomore in high school I can specifically remember my goal was to go to college to become a social worker. I had some learning difficulties in high school and had a few nay-sayers however despite that barrier in 2000 I graduated high school and was on my way to college to study social work. My updated goal then became to graduate from college and get a job in the social work field. I didn’t want just any job; I wanted a job in the trenches! During all four years of college I stayed on a steady path working toward this goal, even after being told numerous times that the pay is poor and the job is thankless. As much fun as college was I kept my eye on the prize and focused hard on getting good grades and graduating as well as getting involved in the community as much as possible. In 2004 I met that goal and graduated from the University of Northern Iowa with a Bachelor’s degree in Social Work. After graduation I was so glad to be done with school and FINALLY start working. I definitely did my time in the trenches when I was green but guess what, seven years later I am STILL happily working in the social work field-low pay, thankless, and all!
In 2008, I got this crazy idea that I wanted to go to graduate school. This was a difficult goal to make attainable because I knew I had to continue to work full-time while doing so. But I applied anyway, and after two grueling years of working full-time, studying, attending classes, and completing a 500+ hour internship…(oh and did I mention getting pregnant and having a baby during that time as well?) in May 2010 I graduated with a Master’s Degree in Social Work. After graduating I wanted to work as a therapist and in order to do that I had to be licensed by the state of Iowa…so now in January of 2012 I am a licensed MSW and working in therapy. See what I’m getting at here? I set goals and dig my heels in and achieve them. I'm not afraid of hard work and I have been mostly successful with meeting my goals I feel that I am pretty good, overall, at setting achievable goals…which is why my inability to keep an updated blog is so annoying! It’s a totally achievable goal and there really is nothing holding me back except myself and the excuses in my head. That's why this blog will be the death of me.
Let’s talk about this more. I've had this blog account since 2007. I've tried to do a few things with it here and there but never really kept up with it. Truthfully I can't even promise I'll keep up with it this time. BUT I WANT TO! I think it's just something I have to work through on my own-my love to write vs my default to procrastination. Sigh. I would like to do something a little more "professional" with this blog and maybe a little more "social work-y" because, you know, I don’t’ get enough of that during the day. I’m still a little green about some topics, particularly in therapy/behavioral modification but this is where my interest is and I am hoping where the next chapter in my life will lead. One thing I know about myself is that writing really helps me process things, so in the end it will probably help me become more effective at a career/passion that I have had and worked vigorously toward over the last 12 years of my life!
So that should do it, right? That should inspire me to keep this blog updated because I have spent 12 years of my life working toward a professional goal and so why not use a blog as an outlet for my knowledge (or lack there of?). Well, here’s the other issue that holds me back-I'm a bit of a perfectionist. Particularly when it comes to this type of stuff.
Case-in-point #1: I just re-wrote that last paragraph at least 4 times.
Case-in-point #2: It has taken me almost 2 years to complete a simple shutterfly.com picture book for my son. All I have to do is combine all of his pictures in a book from age 0-1. I completed that before his first birthday and ordered it, but when I got it I didn’t like it and so now for the last year I’ve been working on re-doing it. In fact a friend and I recently got together one afternoon at Panera Bread and utilized their Wi-Fi to work on our picture books. The idea was that it'd be a fun time to get together and have no distractions to get these books completed. At the end of the afternoon she had almost finished hers and I had completed only one and one half pages. I just want so badly for the book to be high quality, that's all. I get overwhelmed! I just can't make up my mind about things; I'd put one picture in there and then decide I'd want a different picture. I'd add a new background/layout to a page and then go back and change the background/layouts of all the other pages to make it match that one.Yea, so now in less than two months he will turn two which means that once I finish ages 0-1 and I will have to immediately start and finish ages 1-2. That’s a lot of pressure. Currently I am only at about month 6 but have recently gone back and added more pages of pictures from when we first brought him home. I'll be lucky, at this rate, to even get one done before he graduates from high school! See what I’m dealing with here?
I have a passion for quality, but it gets in my way of finishing things. I remember my roommate in college would get so worked up about having to write a paper for class that she would sit for days in our dorm room contemplating what she should write about, often by the time the deadline came along she would not even have a paragraph and then she would sit in our room for several more days stressing even more about it. I can remember at least two papers that she never did turn in, and possibly never even started. It made me stressed just watching this happen and I remember telling her to “just get started” or "just write something". But now I know exactly how she feels. Perhaps I need to just take my own advice…although getting started is not the problem, making up my mind in order to complete it is!
So there. Now you know my truths, my deeps dark hidden secrets, the skeletons in my closet. Truly they may not seem very scary to you but to me, well…they’re more annoying than scary. Do you ever just annoy yourself and then get even more annoyed that you can’t get away from yourself? Yea, that seems to be a pretty much daily experience for me! Ha! So stay tuned and we’ll see if I’m any more successful with this blogging thing this time than in I have been in the past.
