On being a girl

                                                             http://girlsontherun.com

I'm a girl I feel like I get it, I know first hand that being a girl is tough and so does any girl reading this. I definitely went through the whole "I'm uncomfortable with who I am" stage, and still have the emotional bumps and bruises to show for it!  Through my life I have yet to meet a female (young, old, or anywhere in between)  who does not or has not, struggled with body image in some way. I think for some it's just in the back of their mind somewhere and for others it is extremely anxiety-provoking to the point where it affects their every day life. I believe, because I've experienced the concious mindfulness that goes in to working to overcoming this unrest and without a healthy environment in order to learn how to do so, many never find the peace that comes from just liking themselves for who they are. The worst part is that girls who never find that peace with themselves grow up to be women who don't have peace and these women become mothers, friends, aunts, cousins, teachers (etc.) that then pass the struggle, whether consciously or not, to the young girls in their lives..and another generation of the vicious cycle of self-loathing continues. It is important for girls to have a healthy foundation to start out with in the world, in order for that to happen the influential women in their very early life need to have peace with themselves so they can pass that peace on. It is also important for young girls to have access to positive adult role models from outside of their families and also a positive peer group. Lastly girls who have already started down, are in the middle of, or have grown up but never gotten off the path of self-loathing need a positive environment, healthy support system and "game plan" to jump on to the path of self-respect.

I give credit to my parents for giving me a strong foundation. Home was my safe haven, I knew that no matter what happened in school or in the community, no matter who didn't like me or what went on during the day I could be myself at home and my family loved me. I am very lucky to have had that. There was not an emphasis on looks, I didn't see my mom crash dieting or looking in the mirror at herself and saying negative things. We never dieted together and if she did have poor body image, I was completely unaware of it.  I knew that to my dad I was his little girl and it didn't matter what I looked like. He would often say things to me like "I like it better when women don't wear makeup" or "who cares what that girl thinks of you, you know better than to think that's true".  Dorky, I know, and I remember telling him that at the time. But the truth is that was my rock, home was my shield. Strangely even my brothers and I didn't emphasize looks. They never told me I was ugly or fat or have any nicknames for me that would later haunt me. Truthly we were probably too busy fighting over who was next to play Nintendo or why my brother didn't tell me there was a Jam and the Rockers marathon on TV. Regardless, when I was at home nothing could get to me because my parents took care of my emotional needs and because of that my foundation was built on rocks rather than sand.

Unfortunately for them, and for me, I then entered middle school. Now I'm like 99.5% sure that middle school for a girl in the 90's would have been a breeze compared to the things that girls experience in middle school now. But the message is the same, and the pain is the same. That message is that if you are not pretty, skinny, sporty, outgoing, and/or (fill in the blank) you are nothing, you do not matter. If you do not conform to society's idea of what a girl should look, act, and be like then you are weird and different. As far back as I can remember there is nothing worse in middle school than to be thought of as wierd, different, and/or worthless. I think for the most part I flew pretty far under the  bully radar for most of middle school but I do remember a couple of "mean girls" who to this day I have no respect for. Though I flew under the radar as a target for bullies, I caught on quickly to the "girl" culture of what I "should" look like and how I "should" act. And just like every other girl that struggles, I didn't think I looked or acted the way I should and spent many years reaching for a goal I could never obtain.

I remember the summer that I started jogging. I am not a very patient person, I need results quickly and I was the same way back then. I laugh now, because I remember I had these ankle weights that I would velcro onto my ankles and then jog/walk a pretty short distance; I would come home feeling pretty defeated because I walked more than I ran. (Huh, I wonder why). I also clearly remember how much easier jogging was when I stopped wearing those! This was the summer that I decided I was going to give up anything that might make me "fat" which was apparently just about everything. I ate cereal, yogurt, granola, and toast when I was hungry and drank only water. All those years of good metabolism wasted!! I remember that it was the middle of my junior year in high school when one of my teachers noticed I had lost some weight and told me how "good" I looked. That fueled the fire, I must be doing something right! Although I would hear these things from others  everytime I looked in the mirror I didn't see any change, only flaws. My struggles continued and probably amplified in college. The cool thing was that when I got to college I could work out in a gym so on top of jogging, which I was actually pretty good at by then, I would hit the gym daily sometimes twice a day. Instead of gaining freshman 15, I'm pretty sure I lost at least 15 if not more! The madness continues into young adulthood. By the time I graduated from college I was training to participate in different types of activites, mainly 5k's and this crazy 4 hour adventure race in Maquoketa that included canoeing, running, and biking and then an 8 hour race in Des Moines that was similar to the one in Maquoketa. I think the height of my madness was preparing for my wedding, I would literally go to the gym before work and then again after. It was crazy and I was crazy fit...even though I still didn't think so. After getting married, life settled in and I started to realize that I had better things to do then work out all the time and also that I really liked food!! I almost feel like I "burnt out" from going to the gym which was good because it made me struggle with my negatives thoughts until I could finally overcome them.

Overcoming those thoughts doesn't mean I never have them. It doesn't mean that I still don't have my weak moments and sore spots. Overcoming those thoughts is a concious decision I make every day to like who I am regardless of how I look and/or how much I weigh. Concious thinking is making a point to remember that I have a beautful family, a full-time job, a part-time job, and too many interests to pursue than to waste my time thinking about my body. Concious thinking also includes eating healthy as often as possible but healthy living can now be described more accurately now as discipline rather than punishment.

Where I have come out of all of this turmoil is a woman who is happy with who she is and who can be happy for others. I also have a lot of compassion for girls who are entering the phase in their life where they come to the proverbial fork in the road with a choice to either take the road that leads them to self confidence or the road to society's perfection that is long, difficult, un-necessary and the outcome is unknown. I truly believe that girls need strong role models to help them make the right choice, to push them in the direction of the road to self confidence. Parents are absolutely necessary for planting the seed for a strong foundation but all the responsibility cannot be on them. Young girls need strong role models that reach out to them and their peers not to preach to them but just to walk along side them guiding them in the direction of self-confidence, self-esteem, and ultimately true happiness.

So, to make a long story short which I am rarely able to effectively do, I have recently been researching a program that I've heard about and that a friend and I are working to help bring to the area. The program is called "Girls on the Run".
Here is the idea: To inspire girls to be joyful, healthy and confident using a fun, experience-based curriculum which creatively integrates running.  The objective of Girls on the Run is to educate and empower girls at an early age in order to prevent the display of at-risk activities in the future. At risk activities include substance/alcohol use, eating disorders, early onset of sexual activity, sedentary lifestyle, depression, suicide attempts and confrontations with the juvenile justice system.

Here's the link to the video:

This program has statistical validity of it's success to reach girls and build self-esteem. The founder, Molly Barker, is passionate and has a story of her own to tell and a powerful, successful program that was bred from her own turmoil. When girls are lead in the right direction, these are the outcomes that they can create for themselves and when they do this the cycle of poor self-esteem is broken. To look at the issue as a whole is overwhelming but to think about reaching only one person is empowering. What if the one girl you reach grows up to be someone like Molly Barker who in turn creates a program that reaches hundreds of thousands of girls in over 173 cities in North America and grows bigger and bigger every year? Was it worth your time?

If you are interested in helping bring this program to Linn County/Cedar Rapids, please email me at vwieben@gmail.com